Who Am I?
This will not define me.
This will not define me.
These words kept running through my head.
Those, and---"What the heck just happened???"
And---"Holy Mac!--- Is this really happening to me?!?"
I was coming to realize my life had just taken a big ole turn,
an exit really, off the path of "normal".
It was 10 years ago, the late summer of 2010.
I was alone in a dark and quiet hospital room.
I literally could not see straight.
I could not sign my own name.
And my legs would not do what I told them to do.
I could not walk.
That night. I vowed to myself to get back to who I was.
Who I was before... before, a small clot blocked the flow of blood in my brain, causing a stroke.
My husband, John, and our two children were at home.
Zach just 6 and Julia not yet 2.
Our plans were to go camping in the morning, with my Mom and Dad and my three younger brothers and their families.
I had Julia's 2nd Birthday Party to plan and execute.
Also, our neighborhood Halloween Extravaganza was fast approaching, and that involved me making a massive amount of chili and decorating the house and yard with all things spooky.
There were clothes to wash, beds to make, dishes to put away.
I loved it all.
But yet...
One week later, the sense of emergency has faded. I am now in a rehabilitation hospital. Pondering the the nature of my new reality.
Who Am I?
Is the very question I was asking myself that morning at Mission Oaks.
I was taking stock, gathering pieces and putting myself back together.
Who Am I?
If who I thought I should be was no longer an option.
Who Am I?
If my world is no longer defined by straight lines.
What is my core?
Because I am going to need that strength.
And the funniest thing popped into my head.
I Am Good.
Really?
Is that it???
I think I was hoping for something more grand.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized,
good is grand.
It is a strength to look for good in a moment, to look for good in others, and to look for good in myself.
And, I also came to realize that part of who I am,
is who and what I love.
I love my family and friends.
I love airports and train stations and bus stations and trail heads.
I love that feeling just before the starter pistol fires at the beginning of a race.
I love rocks.
I love clay.
I love grocery stores in foreign countries.
I love a warm cup of tea held with both hands.
I love the quiet of a place of worship...no voices...but just the sounds of humans together.
I love frogs.
I love the ocean, especially that point where the water and the shore meet, a cross over point.
And, I love sweeping the sidewalk. It gives me great satisfaction.
There is, and never was, a going back to who I was before my stroke.
I was naive to think so.
And.
I have been defined by it.
It is one of those events that marks a spot on my personal time line---with a before and an after.
It has added another layer to who I am.
But it is not all of me.
Who are you?
#lillistones #stroke #whoami #saygooddogoodbegood
